the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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