Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
