just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
