i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
