Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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