Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize