Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
