i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
