Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
