I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
