one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
