dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
