he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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