i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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