im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
