And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
