I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
