I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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