Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She's JV to your varsity
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Randomize
