You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
