He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
