just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
