I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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