That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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