Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Acid is not a monday night drug
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The Olympian is in my bed
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
