i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize