Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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