Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize