Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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