no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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