So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize