I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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