Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I smell like Dick and happiness
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