new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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