This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
