So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
