Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
