The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
