apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
