My cat gives me a boner
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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