They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
