Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
handjob tips. give me some.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
