i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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