toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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