dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
