Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
