I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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