My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
