Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Randomize
