I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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