First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
