my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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