she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize