She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
