I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
