I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
