I heard we made out
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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