either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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