you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
